Home

  • welcome to the hole

    welcome to the hole

    Once upon a time, I kept a LiveJournal account, gryphons_hole, a deep, dark, comfy little hole in my brain where I kept notes on my life and queerness.

    This is the archive to that account, mostly password protected, adult, queer content, stripped of photo content after the site restructured its photo hosting feature. I hope to restore that content as well.

    If I know you, ask for the password. If I don’t, hope for a generous mood.

    08.18.24 I have realized a need to continue in this space. A kink reawaking if you will, with content that may range into inappropriate for my other blog spaces.

  • Protected: DAMM! These corn-fed boys…

    This content is password-protected. To view it, please enter the password below.

    ,

  • An extra day

    Michael and I will be in Aberdeen one more day…
    The shipping company (companies) messed up
    and the exhibit did not arrive today.

    Good thing the exhibit was late shipping out of KC though.
    The museum here – which is a kick-ass old bank building
    with most the original woodwork and tin ceilings –
    was not prepared for the shear size and magnitude of the show.

    Since the exhibit is a ways off still,
    we had time to work out space concerns
    and to help the director with the information she
    would need to re-pack and ship the exhibit after the run.

    It will look great when it is up.

    ‘Course most things look great when up…

    ,

  • Yea for me!

    Here I am in scenic Aberdeen, South Dakota…

    Just finished dinner.

    Luckily, Michael U. brought along his laptop
    and the hotel has free wireless internet.

    I am a serious LJ addict.
    I don’t think I could survive four days without posting…

    Next two days are assisting the staff at the Dakota Prairie Museum
    with the exhibit installation. The staff back in KCMO
    said the installation time was calculated to be about five days
    when they were planning scheduling for the exhibit.

    The way I see it, no way its taking that long.
    We don’t need to stay until it is completely installed,
    just the panels and framing and stuff.
    The venue will be able to finish the placing of the artifacts…

    Michael and I were the two assembling the exhibit sections
    at the shop in order to set and mount all the artifacts…
    That only took four days or so. Now we know how it works.

    I say we could get all the section panels up on the first day.
    ‘Course the shipping company isn’t scheduled to arrive with the crates
    until noon or so…

    ,

  • Just Slightly Off…

    Just moments away from the excitement-filled
    trip to South Dakota…

    Are there even enough ‘mos in Aberdeen
    to warrant a gay bar?

  • To Clarify…

    Last night, I was hoping to meet up with a bunch
    of great people who goof off and lighten the place up
    on karaoke night. They are truly open and fun,
    although sometimes it might take a bit to get them
    to warm to you on a personal level…

    They weren’t there.

    You know those personal gigs people have?
    Basically individual processes.
    I have a lot of them.

    It developed out of something I heard described best by Adam Corolla
    on Love Lines one night…a bed-wetter had called in and Dr. Drew
    suggested therapy.

    Adam stopped him and went on a beautiful rant.
    You can either go to therapy and spend years trying to understand
    what happened to you to make you start wetting the bed at 21 years of age…
    or…you can go to a discount store, buy an egg timer and set it for a certain interval of time.
    Each time it goes off, get up, if the bed is dry, get up and go piss.
    If the bed is wet, set it for a shorter interval.

    Both methods stop the bed-wetting.
    The latter will do so faster in a much more affordable manner.

    One analyzes and over-analyzes everything before a solution is found.
    One takes care of it and re-trains how you think or operate.

    I realized I have always done this.
    My parents sent my to a shrink in eighth grade.
    I was offended. He was an idiot.

    I have done nothing but analyze my thoughts, behaviors and actions
    since some time in third grade, maybe earlier.
    How the hell did he really think I wasn’t onto his little tricks and sneaks?

    I have developed the ability to work around my ‘issues’
    for lack of a word that doesn’t make me cringe from trendy over-use.

    In this particular case, I move very slow sometimes
    especially when it comes to getting the pump primed for going out.
    I need to mentally prepare for enjoying myself around large groups.

    Last night, I think my ‘prep’ relied too heavily upon
    that particular group of folks being present.
    When the only people there were self-absorbed snot-wads
    my mood went sour – fast.

    Lucky for me, my mood swings are fast in both directions.
    (Just don’t TRY to make it happen…let it.)

    To summarize, I am fine. I will always be fine.
    I will always be slightly annoyed at always being fine.

    ,

  • Sometimes I just don’t like people…

    I know that every fag out there has heard this…

    “I’m just want someone else to call first, to make the plans, to decide – anything”
    BLAH BLAH BLAH.

    Well, babes, I am sick of being the one that calls first,
    the one that responds to others like I want to be treated.

    The one that is aware of my surroundings.
    Jack-wads.

    I am done with the stupid fuckers that cannot even participate
    in their own fuckin’ entertainment. Christ-fuckin’-almighty!

    I know I am not the only one.
    I just hope I can persevere to find the rest.
    All three of us… I am weary. My road as been long.
    I crave the embrace of my brothers
    and I don’t know where to find them.

    I am so completely disappointed in all but a few people
    in my life at the moment. How did I let them so close?
    I only blinked for a moment.

    Even worse, I am disappointed in myself.
    I feel inadequate as a teacher.
    I have lately been wondering, “If a set a better example,
    would I find more worth-while folks?”

    I have felt a great disappointment with David for some time.
    Just last week I came to my part of the truth of it all…

    We fail as a relationship because he wants nothing
    but to be dominated by the man in his dreams.
    He projected this man onto my form almost immediately upon seeing me.

    Of course, no one can be that man.
    No one should even want to try.

    Still, I find it difficult to resist the urge to feel like a failure,
    simply because he is incapable of seeing that I was offer so much more
    than that fictitious man could ever give…

    “Teach by example”
    It sounds like scripture, should it is in some form.
    It is a great lesson, a great statement.
    I cannot even remember how and when it come into my consciousness.

    Lately, I have not been clear on my success rate.
    and the worse I feel, the harder it is to accomplish.

    I am not sure how it is possible to like myself and my life
    as much as I do and still be so disappointed in how little I have managed to accomplish.

    I have grown tired of the paradox…

    ,

  • BBBRRRRRRR…What in the hell is up there anyway…

    So this exhibits company, for which I have been contracting,
    is sending me to South Dakota.

    The show is going out late.
    It was scheduled for overnight this coming thursday
    for delivery on Friday. Not gonna make it.
    We have pushed back the shipping schedule until Sunday,
    for delivery Monday.

    Michael U – A-number-one friend – and I are being sent
    to help with set-up since the venue is losing
    so many days with the delay.

    Lots of snow, middle of no-where,
    and perhaps some on-the-road terror with an Aquarian behind the wheel,
    but it will be fun. I always have fun with Michael.

    ,

  • The Stats…

    Toward the start of this journal,
    I posted that I was getting back to exercise
    following all the crap of the last two years.

    ‘Course, that stopped as soon as I started work again,
    struggling as I was to still fit everything into the day
    without getting too exhausted, too quickly.

    So, as part of the whole force-myself-to-get-around-my-idiosyncrasies-
    by-roping-myself-into-things thing I got goin’ on…

    Here are the body stats. The plan is to track them quarterly or so,
    see how long I can sit on my ass before doin’ something about it… or don’t.

    Head – 24″ – I know, that ain’t gonna change, just wanted to throw that in,
    so y’all understand the huge-honkin’ fat-ass head I got on my shoulders. (That’s a size 8!)

    Neck – 17″

    Bicep – 14.5″ (DAMM! They were 16″ when I left AZ…)

    Forearm – 12″ – KMFA! That IS my non-jackin’ hands, smart-asses!

    Chest – 46.5″ – over 47 if my nipples are hard. Bwaaahahahahahahahaaaaaaa…

    Waist – 40″ – that has held pretty steady over the past three years,
    except during the puking-weight-lose period of chemo.

    Thigh – 25″ – BABY! They topped out at 27.5 in AZ!
    That’s only one half inch away from a tweeker-boy’s waist. Hee. Hee.

    Calf – 17″

    Although I prefer to track my measurements more than my weight,
    I need to track weight as well for other medical and/or medication reasons.
    I retain a ll of frickin’ water in my ankles ever since chemo…

    At my sister’s (AFTER the Thanksgiving meal…)
    I weighed in at a surprising 250. I had been stuck at 260 for some time
    since all the steroid gain during treatment.

    PS: No more cookie-baking tonight.
    Work lasted close to twelve hours today.
    I will likely have to wait ’til next week to finish baking.

  • Cookie-a-thon, Part Won

    Well, Cookie-a-thon ’05 was quite successful.
    David and David and I made a lot, but I bought enough stuff
    for many more cookies, so I hope to keep baking all week long.

    First, early in the day, David made these great sugar cookies.
    We paint them with colored egg whites instead of frosting,
    the colors are beautiful and they stack and store better than frosted ones.
    He also made the batter for his great-grandmother’s ginger-molasses cookies,
    quite possibly the best received cookie EVER!
    The dough needs to set up so it had to sit out in the mud room most the day,
    which was cold enough to make my tits swell each time I stepped in!

    I made these great sour-cream rum-raisin mini pies.
    Bite-sized deliciousness!

    Then David joined us. (Yes, there were two Davids, and YES,
    I am trying to confuse you. He arrived just as I was ready to dole out the thumbprint
    cookies, which he filled with apricot preserves. They were first dipped in crushed almonds.
    Almonds are a bitch to crush without a handy-dandy electronic crushing type thingie…

    Next I dipped pretzels and almonds (separately) in chocolate and a strawberry flavored/colored
    white chocolate (I know, how can a pink chocolate still be white chocolate?)
    I decorated the pretzels before the chocolate set. Non-pariels (or whatever the fuck they are called)
    for the pink and multi-colored jimmys for the chocolate ones.

    Then David reappeared to bake the ginger-molasses cookies.
    Then his day was done and off to bed. Then David and I finished the night with the first batch
    of cookie press cookies. He brought along his ancient hand-crank press
    (Yes, he brought along his OTHER hand-crank too, but that’s another story…)
    I found a copy on-line of this great jello cookie we used to make as kids.
    This batch was lime flavored xmas trees, decorated with candy stars, green sugar
    and those annoying little colored ball thingies. (They are only annoying because I can never
    remember what they are called or how to spell it.)

    David said he would leave the press here, since he has to come back up to KCMO
    again soon, so hopefully tonight I will make a batch of cranberry-jello wreaths
    with maraschino cherry centers. I also bought some orange and black-cherry jello,
    so I might make them all by the end of the week.

    I am still missing the infamous gum-drop cookies, the butter nut balls
    and the almond crescents, so I might be a busy-busy ‘mo all week long!

  • The Whacked-out Time-Warp of Holiday Decorating

    I had felt the effects for over six years now,
    it is amazing. I didn’t expect any of it this year,
    what with all the crappiness going on between the two of us.

    I started some minor touches for Yule tonight.
    I had been needing to finish the wreath for the front door.
    I mean, how sad…the swag for fall was still up.
    A man has to protect his ID card!

    It turned out great. Simple but loaded and very festive.
    I will try to get a photo tomorrow when there’s some daylight…

    Since I had the glue gun up and running…
    I decided to finish trimming the chairs that my mom and sister
    have helped to recover. They look fantastic!
    I busted a zipper putting the new seat cover on the cushion – dammit.
    Luckily, ya can’t tell when the chair is all together.
    My mom and I can deal with it after the holidays.

    Back to decorating and cleaning up some of the clutter of boxes and tissue.

    Next thing I know… one thirty AM!
    Holy shite! And still going strong when I was tired at 4pm.
    That is why I love the whole holiday decorating thing so much.
    Or perhaps that happens because I love it so much…

    Back in my days as a pansy poker…
    I started to notice that, even though exhausted from the holiday
    busy season, I could come home and decorate for hours, never getting tired
    and never getting tired of it.

    When I was working for Trapps here in KCMO,
    a co-worker said after he heard all the crazy shit I was putting up,
    “You’ll get tired of it soon enough…”
    Dude, I was already doing the stuff at shops for seven years.

    I do not get tired of the holidays, maybe the poor attitudes of others,
    but not the holidays itself…

    So tonight, I did the door wreath.
    Added 150 twisted tin icicles to the living room tree,
    set up the top of the stereo cabinet.
    Packed away most the emptied boxes.
    FINALLY found the proper extension cord and surge boxes
    and switched them out.
    And did the grocery shopping for tomorrow’s cookie-a-thon….
    planning on burning through at least three pounds of butter
    in cookies tomorrow alone…

    And we might have a special guest cookie-maker.

    , ,