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So, can I just say….
OMG!

The last minute flurry to wrap has just hit my sister’s household.
I was put on milk and cookies duty. (you know, making it look
like the special man has eaten his fill….)

My sister handed my the note my youngest niece left for the Claus man.
I couldn’t believe my sister landed an 11 year old that still believed,
especially with a 13 year old that has been EMPHATICALLY stating that she doesn’t!
My sister informs me that the youngest has been privy to the truth
longer than the oldest, but she still plays along with the game.

I glance down at the note, and I start laughing so hard, I can’t breathe.
I almost fell over laughing that laugh. The one that makes no sound
and turns my face dark purple. THAT laugh.

I don’t know if this will translate well…
but here is the letter…

Dear Santa,
I hope you enjoy the milk and cookies and I’m sorry we don’t have any carrots
for the raindeer[sic]. Also I hope you know
I cleaned my room just for you. (ok, maybe a little bit because
I didn’t know what I was steping[sic] on sometimes.)

Sincerely,
L

PS – say hi to Mrs Clause for me please.

Can I just say, the room is STILL a disaster….
OMG! If I had been drinking, it would have sprayed out my nose!

The mango/coconut truffles will NOT be orange.
I just learned that typical food coloring cannot be used
in chocolates. You need a special oil-based food coloring
from snobby candy/cake supply stores.
The water in the other coloring will ruin the chocolate…

AND…I went with my dad to the liquor store
(Kentucky LOVES its booze, the liquor stores are HUGE!)
to get wine for all the dinners of the weekend…
I found Chartreuse, green and yellow.
Never had the yellow and been a LONG time for the green.
Only once I think since I moved to KCMO.

The entire Phoenix metro-valley had three bars that stocked it.
One was the Biltmore, a four star kinda joint.
The bottle of yellow was 45 bucks, but fug’it,
it’s the holidays. That was my gift to myself.
And it will last for some time.

Very licorice and spice and herbal botanical and stuff.
My dad liked it. I LOVE it. Chris HATED it.
It is commonly a love or hate thing, not much room in between.

***The interesting note…I read the label.
Its one of those snotty french boozes made by three monk brothers
that guard the secret under a vow of silence….
Yada yada yada… But I never realized before,
the name Chartreuse – as a color name, came from this booze,
which is a yellow green and green-yellow respectively,
and not the other way around. Go figure.
Being a snobby design fag, I have always been a fan of the color Chartreuse…

Do you ever get that feeling…
You know…no?

Let me elaborate.

Every so often, I notice this point in the cycle.
Even though I seem well balanced and productive and ‘present’
I feel no reaction – or interaction – from the world around me.

I am a pretty big guy, as stated before.
Loud voice, big presence. Bigger than life most days.
But sometimes – and this week is one of them –
I feel like I am fading away.

Well, maybe not me exactly, I suppose the rest of the world could be fading…
Doesn’t matter much which direction I guess.

But in these times, I everything that adds to it,
which never helps. Like the last time I went to karaoke.
Not a single person even realized I just sang, didn’t even notice…
Okay.

The company I contracted with this past month,
every week I turn in an invoice, every week they cut a check.
Last week – while still working for them –
while actually travelling to SD to help save their collective butts,
they just all of a sudden forgot to realize I still needed a check cut.
Okay.

I see often folks getting upset that they have no friends
or loved ones. Often these individuals are deceived in their perceptions of themselves,
not realizing how disliked they may be. They have little honesty about their position
or ‘presence’ in life.

At this disappearing times, I start to wonder if I am fooling myself.
If I think I am kinder – or more generous – than I truly might be…
I have done this before – when I was much younger.
I thought I learned this lesson.

Perhaps I am just giving in to paranoia.
Hard to say. Sometimes, just sometimes, the world may well be conspiring against you.

I also understand how massive I seem sometimes.
I still find it hard to accept that SO many people would see this
as unapproachable…Really? I have always flown to those types.
I relish the exchange…

Perhaps I am not as present for other people as I think.

Perhaps they are incapable of being present in return.

Perhaps I am a HUGE jack-ass and no one likes me.

Perhaps I am just having a bad moment.

Either way, I hope it passes…

i was… and you were there [the mark of a true friend]
for rich, and everyone else in my life
2.22.95

i was once a tribal herbalist,
and you were there, too,
healing our clansmen, side by side.
i was an actor in ancient greece,
and you sat amongst the crowd of the amphitheater
enthralled by my recitation.
i was once a knight serving in honor,
and you were my commander.
we fought longer than others hoped to survive,
our bond giving us unknowable might.
i was an inquisitor, holy and zealous,
and you followed, unquestioning.
i full of false pride and self-righteousness, burned you,
and you forgave my sin.
i was once a high priestess, expert at my arts,
and you left your world to enter mine,
solely through trust and the love we shared.
i was a sculptor of the high renaissance,
and you were my model,
we shared our life as we shared my studio.
i was once a child, afraid of the dark,
and you, my parent, shed light on my fears,
and i was safe.
i was militia in colonial times,
and you were my wife,
i gave my life protecting yours on the growing frontier.

life and life again,
you were there,
our bond encouraged valiant events and forgave evil acts.
and during meantime we sustained ourselves
knowing, then and always,
our lives are entrenched and entwined;
our paths have crossed whenever the need was great.

and now, i am human, mundane and exceptional at once,
attempting the perils of life,
and you are the same,
in your own sense and style.
i was in need of friendship in a world of acquaintance,
and you were there to care and comfort,
to help and be helped.
and to prove once more,
our paths will cross whenever the need is great.
[the mark of a true friend.]