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First, the disclaimer…
I understand and accept in my heart that each individual comes to an event for a unique purpose – meaning – each and every person has a specific, unique motivation for doing what he does, even if it is the same activity in which I partake.

I do not – for the most part – expect others to perform as I expect myself to do. I learn this some time back. A surprising while ago, actually. But, as I am prone to do, I can get wrapped up in a moment and forget myself, who I am, who I have chosen to be…

This is where the frustration – and sometimes paranoia – enters me. I am on a quest of sorts to meet others that can be a present in life as I try to be. I am continually amazed at what a great venue for this LiveJournal can be. I even understand the myriad of ways one can be present in his life or the lives of others…

That said, to the point.

Yesterday, I noted that I broke the fifty marker for friends here at LJ. Not how many I friended in order to learn more of them…But the other side of the friends thing, those that marked my journal so they could track it.

And yet, I count it a great day if I manage to get responses from five people…I have noticed from time to time, an odd prestige thing about friending someone here. Like blogging as a status symbol, but I try my best to ignore that gig and stay on my own track.

I also know – at least in the physical world, that many consider me to be intimidating. Although many friends attribute it to my size, I believe it is more my intensity that holds people back from approaching me. This could allow for a similar event on-line, I suppose.

Granted, I could just be proving to be boring. I don’t intend to be pompous enough to presume all would find me amusing or insightful, but now that I have made the observation, I am curious.

So I will explore the whole stream of consciousness thing and see where the thought takes me.

First my intent.
I am searching for my ‘brethren’ here and elsewhere. Sorry, I don’t have a word that fits as well without seeming hokey, but typically those that get it don’t find it as such…

In every part of my life, I have encounters those that are tired of being ‘the one’. The one that calls first, the one that shows up first. The one that plans everything. The one that supports everything…That ‘the one’.

I am one of those folks…even though I grow tired of having to constantly initiate things, I continue to choose to do so. I do grow tired of it. I revel in the moments when there is someone else to share the burden. But I don’t wish to become one of the ‘uncaring masses’, those that blindly sit and wait for things to happen. Those that all too frequently bitch about how things suck, without offering any effort to make them better…boring, dull, done.

So, I am curious to the motivations of others here. The only ones I even care to guess are those who repeatedly interact with me, those I also know will be the first to respond to this. And thank you. But I am only looking for first-hand motivation, not speculation for others…I already have that aplenty.

Have I developed into a side-show curiosity, drawing on-lookers and gawkers to the weirdness and ‘train-wreck’-ishness of my life? (Honestly, I may not be so bothered by that analogy…)

Am I on the list but still looking to prove myself to achieve the ‘inner circle’? This is more curious than most to me. Very appealing. This is a process I tend to crave in life, the evolution into a secret society. I think it stems from an incredible initiation into a fraternity that proved to be too ordinary and too normal to handle me, so this hunger continues…

Is it the secret voyeur thing? I love watching. Problem is, I also love to be watched, love to know I am being watched. (This may well be the root of this entire post. What is the point of exhibiting yourself
in front of the world, if you cannot tell the world is watching, or even cares…)

Is it simply the hectic pattern of life?
No time to be as involve as one would like…I need or expect no apologies for this, but a simply statement of such answers the question.

Is it one-up-man-ship?
You know the gig…”I gots to have more friends than my friends…” The whole weird competition thing. Please leave me out of this.

I have even noticed that some will friend back simply – I think – as a courtesy of my having friended them first. I think this may fall into the whole blind PC-ness life. I ‘have to’ it would be rude. What would the neighbors think?

I try to avoid the paranoid possibilities in my head. Those weird places I go on occasion…based on bad childhood experiences. I tried to avoid the thoughts of secretive postings slandering me for my postings,
gossiping about the thing ‘secret’ things of my life. You know, the ones I have told the world. Yeah, those ‘secrets’. I tried to ignore the thought that family and co-workers may be reading in secret, acting all super-spy on me regarding arenas of my life I would gladly discuss openly with them if I felt they were interested…

I even go there the weirdness of imagining an LJ tribunal that decrees moments of silence, secretive postings of punishment for perceived rudeness and poor protocol on my part. This is the weird darkness of my brain. The part of the darkness I strive to overcome. The only part of myself, I do not fully embrace. This is the only part of me I don’t see as real, but yet it is present enough to deter and distract…

Back to the point…

Having briefly considered such options as ‘friends only’ and private posts and locking out comments, my decision is still to censor the availability of my posts and the ability to comment on them as little as possible. I am mostly still holding to that.

Some combinations I find truly defeatist, but then, my initial disclaimer comes to mind, I do not know – cannot know – the motivations of others without them pointedly sharing them with me. SO, I let it go, and hope for future clarity…

One to date, one locked post to date. And it was more controlled than friends only. Maybe only ten people saw that one. My concern isn’t about knowing who reads my life, it is who reads it and says nothing. Still not sure completely why, but this weighs on me after a while…So – if any are curious – my filtered posts aren’t based on my friends list. They are based on those that interact with me on a regular – or seemingly regular – basis. That is what rates with me most.

Now there are some exceptions, some that make it to my ‘inner circle’ without so much interaction. These are the folks that strike me so completely when I come across they journal, that I am awestruck. I choose to give them complete access to anything I may post, with the hope that it may – in the future – lead to a better interaction. (For the record, these exceptions cannot be planned or intended. Trying to be exceptional is always obvious to me, just be who you are. It either works or doesn’t. It’s okay.)

Yeah, this runs on and on. Yeah, its getting boring. Well, then say so! Or un-friend me. I will think no less of you for either option. Just the opposite, really.

I friend the journals I do because I catch a glimpse of something I am looking to learn in life, or maybe for entertainment. I hold no expectations in return.

One day I know I will do the great cleansing of the list, the undoing…
My friends page is already difficult to track even on a daily basis. I hope when that moment comes, I will not feel the compulsion to make the obligatory “don’t hate me ’cause I unfriended you” post. This is odd to me. Why is it so insulting that someone moves on in a setting that most often involves people that have never even met, although I do understand EXACTLY how many LJers do indeed meet first hand…

I hope to never become so fragile, so timid, so full of empty tirades… I have just learned to release the rage of my life. I am in no hurry to replace it with more.

The day may come of my ‘friends list’ cleansing. I don’t know. I still prefer to adapt to the hectic pace. I have lost some of that recently and would rather try first to regain the pace and not so quickly acquiesce. I would like to offer this now, in anticipation of the event…

If I remove someone from the list, it is because I have not gotten that for which I am searching, and I wish to search elsewhere with greater ease, namely interaction in life. If this is upsetting, than interact. Instead of demanding friendship without cost. Earn it, dammit. Be there. Be present.

If not, then concede and let it go. Don’t look for animosity where there is none. Don’t create a fictitious evil, there is plenty in the world already. Just let go and let be. I will do the same. Or hope to anyway.

The paranoia of my mind only occurs when I am left to my own assumptions, this being the biggest motivator behind my attempts to grow away from such assumptions…One way or another, I will find a way around them. I will look to choose an inclusive path first. I typically do, but if it is closed to me, I will go the exclusive route with little guilt. I am conscious of my choices in life and the paths I led to them. I seldom doubt the choices once I get to making them…