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Hello, Livejournal. It’s been some time passing…
Google Fiber is late to my neighborhood, and nobody else wants to actually provide service to my house. A neighbor has surprisingly unlocked their wifi, perhaps only for the weekend.

So. Today is World AIDS Day. I haven’t had the best relationship with the idea for a few years. I haven’t had the best relationship with my life for a bit and I certainly haven’t had the best relationship with my virus, either…

That said, I may be lightening up some.

Last night (early morning) I posted a note to Facebook. I share it here.

I approach this year with a sense of lightness. for the past three years or so, it had been anger and rage and darkness.

there you go.

this year has offered bee pollen and computer designed drugs that prevent the virus from multiplying and BMT options that leave the patience undetectable without medication.

until this past year, I have watched for news on vaccines, not expecting ‘cure’ to ever enter the aids vernacular. not really. mind you, I am not holding my breath. not any more than normal…

I am tired. my meds exhaust me. my job exhausts me because of my meds. people exhaust me. ignorance exhausts me. stigma exhausts me. hiv challenges an honest person beyond belief. and I try to be an honest person, almost above all else… in this case, honesty makes a person the face of stigma.

being the face of stigma exhausts me.

looking like a big, burly, healthy, hetero male is exhausting. especially because I am no such thing. having to explain how incorrect the assumption was to make is, well, exhausting.

having to educate the world so that I can live my life openly and honestly without being a pariah, poster child, or scapegoat is – say it with me – exhausting.

but the world doesn’t educate itself, does it? at least not this part of it.

I find myself avoiding dates with men that are hiv negative. it is too exhausting. I don’t trust them to understand their role in their own safety. my shoulders are piled with enough burden.

my meds keep me undetectable. I am not going to say what I think that does or doesn’t mean. look it up. I am afraid of undetectable: I want to know what the virus will do to my bone marrow after five, ten or more years hiding out deep within it…

my meds, the same ones, also repress my t-cells. the joys of the particular chemotherapy I had for lymphoma… currently, they hang out right around 220. illnesses start below 200. that fact exhausts me.

a lack of empathy from people, about being tired or exhausted or disinterested in exhausting activities, is exhausting.

it can go on and on.

I am no longer a cheerleader for global events. I leave that for individuals that can afford to expend such energy on such things. I have to choose too carefully.

but, for once, i think this will all end in my lifetime. it may even be removed from my blood in the process. there is a visible end.

I look forward to not being exhausted.

I do miss folks here. if the signal stays, I may be around more. Otherwise, it is a wait for the world dominating fiber line…

*smooch*