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Restored from the original dapperkink post:

*giggle*

We are coming to you via a new broadcast medium this year in hopes of reaching a larger listener base.

Welcome, all! Thank you for tuning into the 2011 State of the Closet Address.

As with the previous year, I would like to start off with our closet’s most abundant and versatile contributors: neckties.

This past year has been incredible for growth in this area, we have had to branch out into numerous directions to accommodate for the growth we have seen over the past twelve months.

The traditional leaders, namely the broad-based woven-patterned silk neckties, have held down the main branch of this department without faltering. We found it necessary to annex other spaces in the closet to house the new divisions. Each branch serves its own unique purpose and the growth in each arena has been commendable.

Last year, I spoke of needing growth for the bow-tie division, and we have had excellent growth. I should add that all of this has been at minimal cost to the annual budget of the closet. Whenever possible, we have repurposed and rework materials on-hand and brought in the best-quality, lowest cost ties available from our network of thrift-stores.

Next, we move onto another multi-branch part of the closet, also showing some considerable growth during difficult economic times: the department of shirts.

Here, let us begin with the bar governing casual shirts. This branch of shirts has perhaps been the most demanding in its cuts and facing its challenges over the past year. It has ruthlessly cut redundancy and removed any poorly fitting members, finding suitable replacements and increasing coverage and productivity with the smallest of budgets.

This is the type of success we have been looking to set in place moving forward into the future.

Moving on to the bar governing the dress shirt branch of the department, let me offer my support in the effort to end official days of recognition, in that today is also Laundry Day and many dress shirts hence were double-booked and unable to attend this address; their full numbers are considerable.

Now is the time to mention the disturbance prior to the start of the address; the French-cuff shirts have been inconsolable. The life they have found in our closet was a nice upgrade from their previous home. (Let me declare now and forever that every single French-cuff in this closet is a bona fide legal immigrant, due all the rights and protections of any other resident of the closet.) That said, the French-cuffs got a taste of the sweet life this past year and now are making demands inappropriate for the current budget shortfalls; they insist on continuing travels outside of our borders for outside laundry care. We get it. We understand that everyone would love to be pampered and steamed and pressed at a high-end spa for every days worth of work, but times are tough, and we need to trim the budgets anywhere and everywhere to make sure that the functioning of the closet as a whole continues. We cannot afford special privileges for an elite class of shirt. Next thing you know, they will be demanding early retirement from wardrobe duty…

I will remind everyone that we are in full agreement with the French-cuffs right to participate in a peaceful protest, but closet security was dispatched to move them to a properly designated area for such a protest, namely the laundry hamper.

Next on the agenda, I would like to congratulate the department of sweaters in their on-going efforts to trim their department and erase redundancy. They have made special arrangements with their fellows across the chimney, the department of adornments and underlings, and offer them space for the braces in exchange for some space for less worn sweaters.

Good job! This is the sort of bipartisan work necessary to get the closet into the shape it requires for survival.

Please note the inclusion of numerous cardigans.  This expansion allows for some great pairings with their neighboring department, that of professorial tweeds and cords.

Also of note, the department of sweaters has expanded their area of influence considerably with the inclusion of sweater-vests. I know some folks give sweater-vests a bad rap, but they are comforting without being unduly hot, making them an option into a longer part of the year, increasing their value. Unfortunately, the sweater-vests are not in attendance today as they are still moving into their new quarters in the out-lying closet protectorate of the storage-under-the-bed. The department has maximized space and value by utilizing the considerable space capacity of that newly-acquired protectorate. Such things will be of great value to the closet as its own space reaches maximum development.

Hanging with the professorial tweeds and cords are some of the boot trousers, still seeking tailoring services. This will with luck be addressed in the coming year. Sadly, not all services can be expanded at once. Prioritizing is critical.

Next, we move to the topic of that most austere grouping of all departments and branches of the closet’s functioning: the great assembly of jackets.

I take great pride in noting that, during my term as commander-in-chief of the closet, the great assembly hosts the best mix of members in the closet’s history: conservative pinstripe and houndstooth stand together with the more liberal (and sometimes downright gaily colored) silk tweed, seersucker and rouge three-button jackets. Each member of the assembly shows pride in their role and function and works with his fellows to find the best solution and choices for each situation they face; bipartisan governing of the highest level.

Following the great assembly of jackets, we have the house of trousers, but I’ll be honest with you all, the bar for the trousers has been clearly set below that of the great assembly. (And I would note that you can see the hangers for the trousers are all co-mingled for the presentation of the address: bamboo, cherry and blond. I assure you they will all return to their typical segregated assignments on the bar once this address has ended.) I’ll be frank, the trousers don’t often work well together, each competing brutally for the nest ones opportunities. Many of them come up short, or fail when life grips you by the seat of your pants. These are all things that simple tailoring tasks can mend, but work has to be done to keep these systems running for the closet. We must all work together to accomplish this.

Just one note on a sub-division of the house of trousers: the department of shorts…

We are, each one of us, aware that the department has some obvious pressing issues that need to be address.

My office will work with them to see they have the support and services they need to reach their goals.

Beyond that, 2010 was a surprisingly good year for shorts. With little expectations, the sub-division of shorts has flourished. Special interest has been placed on seersucker and plaid, although I can assure you that no qualified candidates will be passed-by for consideration of appointment for mere fiber content. (Except rayon. Nobody wants that crybaby rayon taking a leadership role that requires strength and support that it cannot provide.)

Moving across the closet, we come to perhaps the most profound department of the closet’s governing systems: the department of adornment and underlings…

This department dots the ‘I’s and crosses the ‘T’s from most all of the work of the closet.

Among the ranks of this department are the fanciest of underthings, silk pocket squares,  scarves and neckerchiefs, pressed and starched handkerchiefs, jockstraps, casual and dress socks of many different sorts, and belts. Having reached an agreeable contract about space with the department of sweaters, they have established an exchange program, swapping shelf space with their neighbor to achieve maximum storage usage.

The department of massive footwear is doing every bit as much ass-kickin’ as ever.

It has met each and every one of our expectations and we commend it.

And the fan base does as well…

I would like to note, as mentioned toward the end of this address, that the shoe department has been out-sourced as mentioned in last year’s address. The closet could no longer support the heavy demands of that market. But I have good news later on about that.

First, I would like to make mention of one more point from the 2010 address: the increasing transparency of the closet departments and more hidden subjects. I would now like to reveal, in detail, the behind-the-scenes pieces of the upper-hidden-bar-in-the-far-reaches-of-the-closet…

The department of formal affairs has been keeping us in the finest of order and handling the most delicate of details in the formal protocols of the closet.

The department of fetish and fantasy, small as it may be, has an incredible working relationship with our neighbor to the west, the costume rack. A trans-border exchange program has grown to be more than fruitful in supplying the freshest of ideas and solutions.

Finally, the department of sleepwear and union(suit)s has kept us safe and protected in those long, cold nights will we sleep.

That brings us to one final mention before concluding my address: the surrounding territories and protectorates of the closet. Namely, the storage space under the bed, the space under the laundry hamper and more notably the accessory shelf.

With our help, the accessory shelf has had a bumper year. In the past, we outsourced the laundry hamper, provide the shelf with a sustainable system of in-and-out products. The work flow and traffic pattern surrounding the accessory shelf is ideal for such growth. To our benefit, the accessory shelf has grown at such a rate, needing all of its resources focused on supply and maintenance, it has requested security and protection assistance.

The shelf has recently applied for the status of closet territory and we are happy to welcome all their find products.

Back to the topic of shoes… last year, there was concern with the out-sourcing of shoes from the home space of the closet, but much like the accessory shelf, the shoes have established themselves and are now a big part of the functioning of the laundry hamper shelf. I think in the coming years, this region will thrive in its organization and accessibility.

Finally, we come to the protectorate known as under-the-bed-storage. This is as yet the most untapped resource in the territories and protectorates. We have already regulated the initial influx of residents colonizing the space. Redundant positions have been vacated and the new system has plenty of space to grow comfortably into the future.

There you have it.

The closet has had a brilliant year. We are not through the thick of it by any means; we still have budget shortfalls and space concerns that must be met, but we are well on the way to recovery. We need to continue our lean budgets and set to further tasks in organizing our departments and systems, repairing the infrastructure of the closet (cedar planks would be a beautiful option for keeping our citizens safe!) and maintaining the work set down over the past couple of years. We will soon once again be the dominating influence on the socio-economic climate of the entire studio.

Thank you and have an excellent evening.

Journey on, my lovelies!