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  • welcome to the hole

    welcome to the hole

    Once upon a time, I kept a LiveJournal account, gryphons_hole, a deep, dark, comfy little hole in my brain where I kept notes on my life and queerness.

    This is the archive to that account, mostly password protected, adult, queer content, stripped of photo content after the site restructured its photo hosting feature. I hope to restore that content as well.

    If I know you, ask for the password. If I don’t, hope for a generous mood.

    08.18.24 I have realized a need to continue in this space. A kink reawaking if you will, with content that may range into inappropriate for my other blog spaces.

  • with the ups, the downs

    Previously, I mentioned a seasonal co-worker diagnosed with stage four cancer at the age of 21.

    Today I was told she had died.
    It’s totally fucked up, but it would seem I am buffered by adding two good friends to the survivor list. Also, I am two weeks from a personal landmark, which helps hold it lighter than normal…

    *sigh*

    Work has become a heavy place, what with layoff, fifteen permanent posts being eliminated, two cancer-deaths in six months and shift cuts for the month (although honestly that last one is an annual thing…)

    Overall…? I am okay. At least.

    *smooch*

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  • allow me to introduce…

    …my three oldest friendships. This photo was just posted to Facebook. I assume from the Fourth of July… Odd how cold it was in Cleveland for the start of July.

    Left to right, this is Bill, Rick and Steve. Bill and I were in the same Cub Scout den sometime around third grade, although we never saw much of each other from there until my tenth grade. I met Steve at the same time Bill showed back up again. Rick followed a few years later.

    This is the first time I have actually hurt to not be there… I am not sure why I am so surprised by that reaction; I should be. Surprised that is… There have been many other photos I have missed, but most of the other ones include everybody else, spouses and lovers and the rest of our circle, so I guess my absence isn’t as obvious to me. (There is even one photo somewhere on Facebook where I am tagged as a telephone is the hand of Rick’s wife, Becky. They called me at that gathering, so I could be in the photo with them… LOL)

    This includes the extended circle, but the four of us…? We have been through everything together: first dates, growing pains, high school horrors, first jobs, college, coming out, getting engaged, getting lovers, getting married, having children, divorce, diabetes, cancer, HIV and other chronic conditions, death of parents. Experimentation and growth of all sorts. Pretty much every major life experience except for one of our own deaths. We have transcended the gay-straight divide. Truly and fully. All four of us can and do easily have in-depth conversations about our sex and sexuality and illnesses and troubles. There is no squirmishness left between us, if there ever was any. This is love at an unconditional level. LOL I have even shared some of my naughty photos from this blog and been told how hot I am by the straight ones…! This is a forever gig!

    I have the hardest time building and keeping this level of friendship these days. Perhaps due to the commitment of time it requires; we all met each other when all we had was time to hang out. Perhaps because I already have three of them that I moved away from… Sometimes I wonder if that impacts my own ability to nurture other connections: always being so far from my oldest friends…

    The four of us…? This could explain how I am such an intense person when it comes to interpersonal exchange and connection. I mean, really, look what is in my life for comparison.

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  • Protected: sunday style – cooling down for cool coats edition

    Protected: sunday style – cooling down for cool coats edition

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  • Protected: just wanted to share…

    Protected: just wanted to share…

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  • Protected: too darn hot!

    Protected: too darn hot!

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  • I am the witch…

    It would seem that at regular intervals, I am brought back to Sondheim’s Into the Woods…

    Anything can be the launching point for my mind. Anything.

    I am not having luck finding a form of the song I have rolling through my mind. Perhaps I am remembering it wrong and it isn’t a song at all, but a monologue.

    I think often of the role of the witch; it is an easy thing to do when played by the incredible Ms. Peters…

    That character, and the play itself, serves as a brilliant parallel to how I see the world, or at least how I see my life.

    At some point, the witch addresses the other characters and speaks of how she is the only one responsible enough to do what must be done. This is what I relate to exactly… I don’t have exactly such a martyr complex. Not most days. The concept of the witch is a grey. I have mentioned that here on numerous occasions. She is seen as evil; the other characters shun and fear her for what she does. But what she does is necessary to the course of life. She does what must be done, regardless of what light such choices cast her.

    I think this role is genius. It says so much. How easy it is to take the easy road and blame others for the failures. How easy it is to be the hero and skip over the icky choices since, well, you are the good guy and good guys don’t do that.

    I don’t think I have ever wanted to be a hero, but I have wanted to save the day. Perhaps not by flying over the city wearing a flashy cape (no capes!)… But I wouldn’t mind making the world a richer place by making the tough decisions and riding them out. I sometimes have difficulty which what I am about to express… I don’t care so much about what people think of me. I mean, of course, I want folks I care about to think fondly of me. But beyond that, I want to not care much about general opinions if I feel I am on the right path. Basically, although I may value someone’s opinion, it may not actually influence the choices I plan to make.

    In thinking further, perhaps I am mixing two thoughts into one event… Perhaps not. Hard for me to say.

    Either way, the witch from Into the Woods is my role model, among others. She is my hero, well… non-hero, well, anti-hero. Whichever.

  • Protected: green shirt aloha

    Protected: green shirt aloha

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  • word from chronicpaint

    As a personal twist, I wish to add an associated response and then offer the significance of the original word…

    Dapper – (Kink!) Dapper is as dapper does, I guess. Lately? It may well be the most used adjective when folks comment to me… As with so much of my life, the whole dapper dress to-do seems a logical sequence of tiny little evolutions. It feels like the only sensible place for me to be. I am fortunate that I found such a ridiculously affordable place for such fine clothes. I like being conscious in my choices. Sometimes it feels like ” I want to be not that but most often it is a genuine process. I think every one should find the occasion to dress smartly; it draws some of the kindest compliments. It has been incredible for my soul.

    Brazen – (Hussie!) Although I would admit it is an applicable term, internally I feel I am simply being who I am driven to be. I am not sure exactly where or how my body image developed. I suspect that my parents incidentally created a sex positive child by encouraging me to always like myself for who I am without feeling shame for what others thought or said. Add in to that the fact that they never mentioned sex around their children, good or bad.

    Add also one part of oppositional child and I think the deal is done. This world (at least this part of it) is so freakin’ Puritanical… Someone has to help break that repression apart. If not me, then whom? It has to start somewhere.

    Kindred – (Connection) I think most folks seek kindred souls in the world, although different folks have different definitions. For this meme, I will take the leap considering the source and venture to describe a kindred survivor. I am only now, five years out, beginning to see the survivors of cancer. Previously, it has been most nothing but the deaths. That sits very heavy on my shoulders. There is a pwoer to surviving such a rotten thing. Some folks are afraid because they fear cancer so much; others stand in awe of the strength they know it must take to survive. Me? Again, I don’t think I did anything special, except stay true to myself and how I wish to be in the world. It taught me more solidly to be nice to nice folks, but my intolerence of mean folks hit the roof. Bah!

    Back to the point. I rejoice whenever such an odd duck as myself manages to find someone easy to relate to… when one of the ticky boxes of compatibility is cancer, a huge sigh of relief excapes my ribcage… Perhaps I am happy to just not have to try to explain the unexplainable. Perhaps it is the relief of knowing the person truly can understand how completely rotten it is.

    In the broader sense of ‘kindred’ I look for ‘like me’… I just have a broad sense of the term… those seeking or open to evolution and growth…
    I think I have found a great number of folks that fit that definition, which makes me happy.

    Fearless – (Leader…?) I think (think!) I am close to fully fearless… The true deeply rooted fears of my youth all proved themselve foolish as I grew. The worst was the fear of losing friends for being gay. Not one single person I considered close ever left for such a thing. I am fortunate in that. Lately, I have some lingering suspiciona of shadows way off to the horizon. Perhaps I am harboring hidden fears, perhaps I just need a rest from all this tiresome crap… My mind sees no value in holding fears. or perhaps closer is the idea that they should be faced and dispelled… Either way, I don’t see myself holding fears for very long. I find a lot of inner power in facing them down. There is also this odd thing I hold to much of the world. If I fear someone will leave me… if they actually do, I seem inherently to understand that they were not worth my investment in them. Maybe that is dismissal or justification, but it leave me in a good mental space…

    Outré – (Limits! LOL) Similar to ‘brazen’ I see myself simply as ‘just am’… but of course relatively speaking I am every bit eccentric, unconventional and bizarre. To borrow from Nathan Lane: I am fully aware of how ridiculous I am. But also I am aware I am many other things. I sometimes suspect that I am bizarre simply for not having a drive to follow trend. I literally consider certain things less when large numbers of others take up the habit. For the most part, I consider that a healthy trait of mine…

    If you wish words of you own, simply say so.

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  • Protected: allow me to introduce…

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  • allow me to introduce…

    allow me to introduce…

    Bob. Okay, yes, I know…. He is surrounded by Bobs. So, let me introduce Robert.

    I rented a room from Bob for almost three years when I lived in Phoenix. This trip really displayed how much I miss him and the other fine folks I left there when I moved. This trip was due in great part to his generosity.

    It was great to catch up with him. I stayed at his house, as I am want to do whenever I visit Phoenix.

    And, really… isn’t that moustache dreamy…?
    Holy crap! It is teh awesome!

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