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  • welcome to the hole

    welcome to the hole

    Once upon a time, I kept a LiveJournal account, gryphons_hole, a deep, dark, comfy little hole in my brain where I kept notes on my life and queerness.

    This is the archive to that account, mostly password protected, adult, queer content, stripped of photo content after the site restructured its photo hosting feature. I hope to restore that content as well.

    If I know you, ask for the password. If I don’t, hope for a generous mood.

    08.18.24 I have realized a need to continue in this space. A kink reawaking if you will, with content that may range into inappropriate for my other blog spaces.

  • Protected: tie tuesday

    Protected: tie tuesday

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  • Protected: happy solstice!

    Protected: happy solstice!

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  • dad

    dad

    I called Dad earlier today. He is still in the nursing home for recovery; will be for awhile yet.

    He is in the best spirits I think I have seen/heard in the past two years with this whole ongoing mess. He seems genuinely relieved to have the bad leg gone and the stump healing up. He starts the fitting process for a prosthetic leg this coming Tuesday. He has a hydraulic brace for the full leg, since that knee has an odd twist to it, to help him straighten out the remaining leg.

    He has lost a lot of weight. A lot. He is down to 235. That is only ten pounds heavy than me, although he is about a half a foot shorter than me. My dad has never been only 10 pounds heavier than me. The closest he got was about twenty pounds, but I was much heavier back then. Most of my life, he has been at least 350. It has really done the job on his knees and legs. I hope he understands how permanent his new relationship with food needs to be. Luckily, my mom will always be able to beat him to the refrigerator…

    I shared with him my intent to turn him into a pirate on my next visit. He laughed; a good hearty, real laugh.The was the best thing I could have asked for today. I don’t get home very often to visit, but I have missed my dad a great deal the past few visits having only gotten to visit briefly in the nursing home.

    I think I may be getting him back…

  • Protected: masculinity: revisited

    Protected: masculinity: revisited

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  • toy – photo challenge

    toy – photo challenge

    I am the sort to always root for the white hat, even if it is the unpopular choice…

  • Protected: another ridiculously short vintage necktie

    Protected: another ridiculously short vintage necktie

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  • mourning whail of isis

    mourning whail of isis

    I mourn my disrupted lover
    ripped from my lips by treachery

    wicked fate divides us apart in life

    we must wind ourselves
    down paths unknown to the world

    and create our own laws

    I assemble my lover’s flesh
    and weep upon his passing spirit

    I lay down upon his broken parts
    his phallus cupped and shaped by my hand

    I sink into him as he enters me
    creating life in the death of our love

    my tears exit my shell as his seed fills it anew

    the whispers of new beginnings
    grow inside my belly

    and I am transformed

  • from manure, sweet things grow

    from manure, sweet things grow

    It has always been curious to me both the incredible speed and inaccuracy of the gossip line at work.

    Last week, when speaking to the acting production manager, I choose specific words to indicate that although I enjoyed the tasks of my current job, I didn’t see much growth beyond it for me. Somehow, from then to this morning, it flew scatter-shot about the upper channels in the plant and perhaps struck the fear-of-gawd into more than one person that their senior Acoro operator was itching to hit the bricks.

    Since I cannot control the gossip, I may as well benefit from it.

    The bindery manager ask me first thing this morning to make room in the afternoon to stop by his office.

    It was a good talk. It was about an hour of both our days. I personally suspect that the man has never known what to do with me. Nothing like disrespect coming from him, but he simply hasn’t had much exposure to such atypical bindery workers, I think… He is a good guy, as much as management can be from a labor point-of-view.

    The outcome? He outlined what was heading down the pipe towards me. A chunk of it needs to hold on clearance and release from HQ, which could be now or never ever. No one can predict that…

    The smaller stuff: He assuaged my concerns about the good Acoro operators never getting away from the thing. They know they need to spread out the machine experience. They have a big retirement coming up; one of only two men that can run every machine in the department. They only have six months to manage that loss. The machine they started me on last season will be brought back into my use as the high season runs down. It’s the only sewer in the place that does a good job of stitching up the spines adn there are only two regular operators of the thing. I like the machine; it runs very similarly to my own line. It has all the same language and glyphs…

    The production manager and the bindery manager will be working out a schedule to get me up into the cover art department for a bit of their rush in the fall, which is one of the slower times for the bindery… This I like.

    The company has been investing in lean and green belt training, which I can only say is integral to the reshaping of production processes and the revamp of work flow through the entire plant. This, HQ has to set the budget of people to be trained each year for each program. As stated by the bindery manager, I am the top in line for lean belt training, which would be the first time I was indicated for anything but machine training in three years. That was starting to add up poorly in my head.

    Most importantly, my manager stated unprompted by me that of the three general experience/wage scales of the bindery, I should be well to the upper half of the middle bracket. Wage-wise..? I am riding at the upper edge of the bottom bracket. This is the tricky bit: HQ still is being tight on raises. Of course, we have merit raises, offered annually at the fall performance review. But there is also such a thing as an equity increase. Basically, this allows the company to balance the scale when an employee proves more valuable than the normal rate through training and performance reviews would normally allow for…

    Both he and my supervisor (who answers to the bindery manager) will be pushing both avenues for me to clear the gap between my level of performance and my wage.

    This is the part that is the most – what? – unsolidified…? I have to simply wait it out and see. It would be an insane increase percentage-wise. I’d rather not say exactly until it happens. Just to say…

    So, it can really pay to let others misinterpret your every word…

    Good thing for me, no one else in the place speaks queer fluently.

  • following up – a deeper thought

    following up – a deeper thought

    The worst of it has passed; the fever has broken. I am mending, although every four hours, the OTC decongestant expires and a kick-boxing ninja’s foot hits me square in the ribs…

    There is something of which I have been aware for most of the passing week that I am only just now comprehending…

    I have to rebuild my relationship with food.

    It might be easy; it might be difficult. Either way, the thought leaves me on the edge of tears. I want my old food relationship back.

    Here’s the thing: I very clearly had some type of food poisoning. I understand how difficult it can be to identify what type for what little good it does in many cases. I have been through this BV (before the virus) and remember the important stuff. Hydration, electrolytes and simple food stuffs to start. For the record, Lifeway’s Kefir with Probiotics was a divine answer to halting the outward pourings of my puckered ring. Just to say…

    Settling the stomach was easier than expected, except I misjudged the source. I thought it was foul snap peas, which I had tossed. A recurrence of the symptoms indicated (in ways that maybe  would understand…) that the culprit was more likely blackberries. I have been leery of my produce-cleaning skills for some time. Now, I understand that the doubt was not without merit.

    I have tossed most of the food that was in my refrigerator when this all started, not that much of it was still good, as I have eaten very little in the past two weeks. As it stands: I am afraid of fresh produce. I don’t think my stomach is ready for it yet, but my brain cannot even grasp the idea of eating it right now. And that upsets me. I have stocked up on all that I should need for the next week or so: juice, kefir, stuff for bland turkey sandwiches (read: turket breast and bread) and oranges. See…? I trust stuff that I have to peel…

    On top of it all, I have had a major change in my body impacting food intake and bacteria levels of my body. This means I now have an outbreak of (oral) thrush. Ugh. Out of nowhere. I was a bit surprised, what with all the kefir I was drinking. I stopped for one day(before the recurrence hit) and *wham* thick teeth and fuzzy tongue. Fuckers! And each time it happens, I have just tossed the expired remains of the last swish-n-swallow (I so love that phrase!!) prescription. And, of course, the coating of the thrush makes even more foods taste unappealling.

    As for groceries, it is best that I forget most all of it for now. I can imagine a virtual shopping spree in my head and all of the usual yummy suspects turn my stomach. I do not like this! I have been putting off the thoughts of the topic because it is that upsetting. If I focused on it enough, I would need to break out the lorazepam. Again. I am riding that anxious about it all…

    The idea of handling fresh stuff myself is entirely gross right now. I need that to go away.

    To sum up: the physical symptoms and effects are fading; the emotion ramifications still need to be resolved.

    As I said, I want my most recent food relationship back. Dammit. It has served me very well for the past few years…

  • Protected: no, really – WTF?

    Protected: no, really – WTF?

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