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  • welcome to the hole

    welcome to the hole

    Once upon a time, I kept a LiveJournal account, gryphons_hole, a deep, dark, comfy little hole in my brain where I kept notes on my life and queerness.

    This is the archive to that account, mostly password protected, adult, queer content, stripped of photo content after the site restructured its photo hosting feature. I hope to restore that content as well.

    If I know you, ask for the password. If I don’t, hope for a generous mood.

    08.18.24 I have realized a need to continue in this space. A kink reawaking if you will, with content that may range into inappropriate for my other blog spaces.

  • Protected: Snake Bite Biggerizer Thingies

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  • Protected: Glow! Little Glowworm…

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  • Protected: The Hungry Hole

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  • Protected: The Strangest Thing…

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  • Spent the afternoon on my knees,
    staring through the hole once more.

    I clearly understand that this behavior is purely substitution for what I want to be doing. But, for now, it will have to do.

    Spent the evening thoroughly sad, but oddly content. I watched six hours of the West Wing season 6 marathon on Bravo. I completely miss Democrats in the White House. BTW, C.J. Craig rocks! Especially in Donna Karen.

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  • and another dream

    This dream was very much in the real world and pretty straight up what’s happening in my life. No dancing hippos in tutu’s delivering the message of hope…

    So, I am in the bar participating in a sucky-ass karaoke night. (Shut up! karaoke is NOT automatically sucky-ass!) And the lead I worked with at the publishing plant I where I just reapplied came to see me there to let me know the good news. (This is actually kinda weird cause she didn’t call and lives over a half hour away and she isn’t a drinker, and I think she doesn’t much care for bars.) She told me that we would be working together (and that we would be sharing our own secretary – which so has NOTHING to do with the job opening.) and I would be getting a call the next day. She was so excited to be working together again…

    …and I wasn’t.

    I mean, I actually left my body to see the incredible look of disappointment on my own face when she told me. (How fucked up is that?) She noticed, obviously, and I tried to explain the reaction. How, even though I would enjoy working there, every fiber of my being wanted to get the OTHER job offer still floating around out there. The one right around the corner, not 30 minutes away. The one with actual design work, not just setting crappy photos into template boxes.

    I woke up with a start to nothing in particular and brought with me the oddest feeling…

    Would I really be so disappointed to get that job? After not working for four months. (Not working for most of the past two years, actually, thanks to the chemo…) And this is the tattoo your face and we wouldn’t mind company! This is the employee owned company with the kick-ass ESOP after five years. This is the job that would be easier on my post-chemo body that the work I used to do.

    I have this lingering disappointment with my dream-self, for being so rude and ungrateful…This is likely the only part of the dream I need to analyze. Could I really be this desperate for work, been through the events of the past two years, and still not learned modesty or gratitude? That’s just kinda fucked up.

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  • ugh!

    Well, I turned down a offer from Jo-Ann’s today. A part-time framing shop position for way-way-less than I care to mention. If I take a piss-low pay-rate at I job I don’t really want, it will have to be one that isn’t a fuckin’ 30 minutes worth of gas away. I can walk to work at the McD’s around the corner and make the same amount.

    On the better side of things…
    the yearbook publisher I did digital work for this spring season just posted a job for art clean-up. Already have my app in…It the same distance from home, a medium rate, work I like AND am good at, and the place is a fashion runway for ink and metal.

    Laters…..Time to meet Todd for a buffet lunch. Hmmmmmm…

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  • WHAT Have We Become?

    So…
    I’m fixing scramble eggs and toast for breakfast. As the toaster pops, I go to fetch a new stick of butter (not that fake crap, I gotta maintain all THIS…) And open a new box of stick butter.

    I peel the strip from the end and dump out the golden delight. As I return the box to the refrigerator, I gaze down upon it as it glides into its little cubby on the door. Open the box flap reads… “This carton has been opened.”

    Now…
    I understand the cautionary advice of broken seals given our fast growing homicidal sub-sect, but this was printed on the inner most flap. In order to read the notification, the entire end of the carton had to be lying open.

    I mean, come on!
    WTF?

  • Quotations That Make My Soul Vibrate

    “Treat a man as he is
    and he will remain as he is.
    Treat a man as he can and should be
    and he will become as he can and should be.”
    -Goethe

    “The best part of life is not just surviving, but thriving –
    with passion and compassion, and humor and style,
    and generosity and kindness”
    -Maya Angelou

    “Start by doing what’s necessary;
    then do what’s possible;
    and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”
    -St Francis of Assisi

    “The person born with a talent
    they are meant to use
    will find their greatest happiness
    in using it.”
    -Goethe

    “What one has he ought to use;
    and whatever he does,
    he should do with all his might.”
    -Cicero

    Pretty sure I embrace the truth to all of these,
    but sometimes – I guess – I expect some sort
    of acknowledgment for doing so…