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So…

The reality of my financial situation and the crash of weekend plans hit my head full-on. And I now sit here overwhelmed and tears in my eyes, but not for the obvious reasons.

I just got off the phone with my bikers. I had called to let them know I would have to cancel plans… No big deal right? In my head, I was thinking, they are after all going down to celebrate their anniversary. Honestly, I am not typically filled with feelings of doubt or suspect of whether or not I belong somewhere, but I do know how easy I can dominate an event or experience. I didn’t want to crowd them.

They have offered to made room for me in their truck and cover my site fee… I am overwhelmed. I don’t understand why I feel this way when graced with generosity. I have not exactly been deprived in my life… my parents gave me everything I have ever needed. Perhaps more than they should have.

Still, I have this over-developed sense of facing the world alone. I sometimes wish I could figure out where I got that…

Sometimes, I feel so isolated from the world, that I cannot imagine why someone else would ever want to make such a gracious offer to me. Or worse, I try to delve and uncover their hidden machinations, find what they secretly want from me in return… I have no idea from where any of this paranoia originates…

I am a mess. Truly.
But – at least for now – I am a mess that is accepting the grace and generosity of two men that are incredibly attractive to me. I don’t know if I am learning or setting myself up for a fall. I think right now, I can leaning toward the former and repress my darker instincts.