This weekend will be nine years cancer free. Nine.
…
Maybe I will believe it’s truly gone after ten. I still hold my breath every Christmas Eve (when I found it) every early February (when they cut it out and I started treatment) and every end of July (when I finished treatment).
I just posted an update on FB:
I am fast approaching the nine year mark being cancer free…
maybe next year, I’ll stop holding my breath this time of year…
And now, I am sobbing at my favorite lunchtime stop. I get how much I have benefitted from the overall experience in terms of knowing my body and emotional state and such, but I am so subtly damaged by it. I am left in a state of being terrified of not having insurance, so I trap myself in a horrible job in an emotionally and mentally toxic environment. I just so fully stuck in my mind i am lucky that I function in the world at all. I love myself and enjoy each day, but somewhere quietly beneath that, I hate it all.
And I need to find a resolution to this conflict. Quicker would be better.
I am so very tired of being sad and lonely. And I am certainly tired of being so out-of-the-ordinary for having this experience that leaves my priorities atypical and my responses seemingly too intense for the general populace.
Somewhere this week, I will need to schedule a good cry. I hate this.
gryphon's hole 