At this point, I only have a preliminary x-ray and my PCP’s response, but early indicators, plus about three months of off and on pain, would suggest that I have osteoarthritis in my left hip. An orthopedist is next, but the x-ray shows something I think the doctor called a CAM distortion, (although a web search yields nothing but camera fixes. ;P) an irregular surface to the ball joint and a compressed space between the ball and socket. None of it sounds to assuring, it certainly doesn’t feel as such lately.
I asked about connections to my chemo all those years ago and he couldn’t discount it. I imagine my HIV meds are also on the complication list. Protease inhibitors can fuck up all sorts of things…
So, to recap, another end to another crappy-ass health year. The rest of my teeth are about to be yanked from my mouth, my left leg feels like it wants drop off my body every time I lift it from the ground, and my HIV status leaves me a social pariah in the vast midwestern wasteland. Not to mention that the idea of continuing in my shit-ass job in this physical condition leaves my brain numb…
These are the exact things that leave me on my last fucking nerve in regards to the continuing sentiments of how much everything gets better. I understand that some great things have been in my life, and some incredible people surround me in it, even if from afar, but my life is decidedly refusing to get better.
I am sick of being sick. I am sick of hurting, and I am most definitely sick of the haunting echo of bad choices made so long ago that will not ever go away. I get it. I suck.
I want to throw shit and break stuff so much right now, I can barely stand it…
gryphon's hole 