My brain doesn’t want to move on, and doesn’t want to release. I feel stuck.
I can say that what I linger on is not severe or heavy or unravelling; it simply is, and it is sticky. I would be mostly okay with it hanging around for a bit, even if it isn’t all good.
I enjoyed myself. Of course, I did. Come on… Three years into it and I still carried a sense of this being the only weekend of the year that I feel like I am home. Granted, such a thought carries a lot of expectation, doesn’t it?
I did pretty well. I am happy for my choices. I am happy for my behavior, with one exception. I think the last bit was mostly minor…
I missed a few key opportunities, but they would have been with brand new connections, and I know that those can be so potentially troublesome for me. In this regard, next year is already showing some good potential.
The biggest distraction of this year is the fairly new development of my intolerence for pain reception. I just feel done. I did fine with voicing this and finding alternative options, but I couldn’t exactly shake the sense that so much of what is available at camp is geared toward such things. The exclusion of pain-inducing activities left me cycling with m internal sense of separation and isolation. I managed it as the weekend progressed, but it didn’t vanish; it was on-going.
At one point, I felt I failed to communicate this precisely, mostly since the top proceeded to do exactly everything that I said I couldn’t manage. Of course, since I realized I had just told him none of this worked for me, I suffered through instead of further communication, since I felt the first obvious attempt was so ignored. Everything resolved well enough by the end of the scene, as he eventually realized how little response I was giving off, but I endured a seemingly good bit of ‘not-helping’ before that moment.
The point of poor behavior mentioned above is in regards to this scene: I closed up in my communication with the top, but later ranted a bit with a couple of friends. I want this to be unacceptable behavior. It is unfair and disrespectful. I did work to be as discreet about it as possible, not mentioning the top by name, but still, what is the point…? Nothing productive is gained from it. And I want camp to be an experience of personal growth for me.
I understand the moment to be a minor thing; I will only dwell on it to hold a remembrance of behavior I wish to avoid.
In general, throughout the weekend, my energy level was bothersome and unpredictable. I was decidedly off-kilter and not running at fult-tilt-boogie-gryphon speeds. I avoided some potentially hot moments due to this fact and how much I understand the dangers of pursuing such when I am off my norm.
However, I did have a delicious e-stim scene with the archetypal bear, a bondage and tactile play scene so intense that I shot like a twenty-two year old, hitting my collarbone… a date so lovely that I drifted to all sorts of places. This one reset my brain for the rest of the weekend, allowing me to let go of enough to ride out an enjoyable wave… And, of course, the ‘wetsuit’ came out for a third year for the watersports party. As soon as I began to sweat in it, I could smell traces of the first two years. This is only going to improve over time… *grin*
I am unsure if I will delve into the details of my dates. Perhaps. I will be more likely to work through the weights that are clinging to me through the run of the experience… Time will determine which, I suppose…
The one thing I can say, and should say, through all of it, I understand – very clearly – that I was loved and adored and fully supposed in how I choose to move through my world. That fact alone makes the trip worthwhile.
I am in awe of the men I know in the world.
gryphon's hole 