Yesterday was mildly productive. I did some thrifting, found some great things, caught up on chores, put some things up…
I am working to spruce the place up a bit, since Tommy and Morgan will be here next weekend for John’s memorial. Of course, thinking of their impending visit led me to think of John, which led me to think of death in general, which then led me to think of deaths on LiveJournal specifically, which then led me to think of…
Mother…
At this point, the salt-water began to flow into the dishwater. And that isn’t hyperbole, either; I had to stop, rinse off my face and walk away for a bit to calm down. It is now almost half a year, and this one man’s death is still upsetting me more than anyone else’s ever had…
At least I got some clarity on that yesterday, which brought some peace finally…
You see…? I am an odd bird. I know… hard to believe, but it’s true. I am kinky and artistic and girlie and queer-as-fuck and and and…
Well, Dan was, too. All that and more… In my life, I have had some excellent mentors, and still do! But I have most always felt that they were only handling a fraction of who I was or only just one part of my potential grow. But Dan, well he represented, the concept at least, of crossing over into every part of who I was. It was as if I could look down my road and see a future self.
I wish I had realized this while he was still living; it is a wonderful thing to realize about a person…
Somewhere inside, I am angry that he is gone. I don’t focus on it. I certainly haven’t let it out. I want to just… disperse it slowly. I think the anger is really about losing that sort of across-the-board influence in my life. Honestly, it took me over forty years to find the first one… but I now know others exist, and there are more like that in my life, just maybe not as directly present as Dan was…
*sigh*
This ache really hurts. I am not so accustomed to it…
gryphon's hole 