I spend yesterday with <lj-user: supercub> and Mattison, who is on LJ but damn if I know which blog is his yet… Fun times were had by all to spite Mattison not feeling well, but that is for another post…
<lj-user: joezer> joined up with us for burritos at Moe’s in a very gay shopping center. I have never had such a cruisy burrito before…From there, Stephen and I went to his bowling night, which was also their holiday pot luck. I had a great time. He and I got home late, but still made time for a movie. That is the purpose of this post.
We watched Delovely. It is one of the many DVDs I have picked up from Big Lots! for three bucks and never gotten around to seeing. I thought it was excellent. Of course, we all know I have different criteria for saying that about a movie…
First of all, I found the device of playing back his life as a musical to be absolutely perfect. Plus I was amazed at how well his songs fit as the soundtrack of his life. Of course, I don’t know how much of that was Cole truly writing what he knew and how much was the screenplay making his life fit the lyrics… I also enjoyed how much of his gayness the movie included. For as gay as Hollywood is… it still doesn’t often like making mention of such things.
When I picked the selection to watch, it was with the intent to pick lighter fair, since it was late and we were tired. I had no idea how wrong I was in my selection. I mean, most of it was light and lovely and lifting, but really I had no idea how it would wrapped up. Clearly, I am much more unfamiliar with the life of Cole Porter than I am with his music…
At the peak of my response, I was sobbing uncontrollably; not so much for the content of the movie, but for what of myself I saw in it, which may be why I always tear up to such things… Specifically, I was responding to the moments leading up to Linda Porter’s death and how their love for each other, despite everything else in their lives, cemented their marriage back together.
What hit so completely hard was the fact that I have never been able to see this kind of singular, committed love being in my life. I have been aware of the fact for some time now, but it seems I have put it out of my mind more recently. It was a hard hit to see it so well displayed last night. I used to see myself as flawed for not having the drive to find this one singularly driven type of love in my heart. Eventually, I have come to understand the huge amount of love I do hold in my heart of the people in my life. Should various types of love be equal substitutes for each other..? Yeah, I think maybe so.
I wouldn’t exactly say that I was pining for a type of love that I don’t feel I am able to produce, but the movie hit me hard as an example of how much I could be missing in my life for the lack of that love… It hurt a bit. Inside my head, I saw exactly how isolated I could be later in my life, something I understand but am not always sure I am prepared to experience.
And, yes, I understand the place of all this in the broad range of my life. This is a tiny little moment compared to some big giant things, but in that moment watching the movie unfold it was big and giant and overwhelming.
And I wanted to make note of such a thing…
gryphon's hole 