Question: What do you yearn for? What do you dread? And what makes you feel content?
Answer: This is a difficult question for me. I think mostly because I may not view life in such terms. I think I shall answer them in reverse…
What makes me content? Almost anything; good or bad. I can be content to spend two hours in a dentist’s chair; I will kick back and drone on while he works, comfortable and calm. Perhaps for me contentment is about finding my center in something. During typically unpleasant things, I tend to zone out of focus a bit to help pass time. The good stuff holds my attention enough that other things cannot distract. So my life goes. The incredibly unpleasant will pass, so it no longer holds me in discontent.
What do I dread…? I have this lingering sense of being an idiot. It has been with me through most of my memories of life. When it flairs up, I dread taking on new processes that don’t exactly make sense to me; the fear is seeming a fool for not knowing what I suspect everyone else in the world knows. Silly, yes, but real. It is the root of my procrastination. I hate making phone calls to agencies or organizations when I feel I don’t have a clear idea of what I need to ask. This can be a terror. I can work around it a good deal, but it is close to ever-present.
Yearning may be the most difficult to answer… I yearn to be understood, at the most basic understanding of the question. I yearn to have a group of peers that gets me. I think I have it, or at least the start of it, but I don’t yet feel I have it in place enough to avoid the worst parts of my dread. I am getting there.
Beyond that. I yearn for specific, conscious contact. I often get to a space where I feel I just go through motions. I know that routine is good for me, but I still have a strong need for conscious choices. I yearn for connection with others that keeps my brain as involved as my body; and vice versa. I crave situations that engage me on all levels; complex and intricate: emotional, mental, sexual, physical, spiritual. That is the door to the perfect space for me.
March is question month: ask your questions here.
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