An image struck me as I was returning for a therapy session.
A strong image…
Outwardly, I am this bull of a man. Huge, stubborn, unbending. I am intense and solid and unmoving against the winds. This part is obvious to the world.
But…
Inside of me is this whirling dervish. This enormous ball of energy that never stops, never sits still. Fast, furious, consuming. Without the brick wall exterior, I would have burned out years ago; a wisp of smoke on the breeze.
This is the rock star mantra of dying young and leaving a pretty corpse.
These are my halves. This is my struggle.
People have done their best to push me out of my stronghold, to imply my stubbornness is a down-fall, mostly for their own self-serving ends. I have always understood that my wall, my bull, has kept me alive. The fireball is death, not unhealthy, but rushing towards the end. My bull slows the process. It is why I lived past nineteen years of age. It is, in part, how I survive cancer and AIDS. It is how I manage to survive the impact of living larger than life.
The fireball is really the source of not expecting a long life. Rash decisions and impulsive behavior.
I have mostly through my life only catered to one of the other. I suspect my current frustrations lie within the attempts to finally deal with these two opposing things simultaneously.
The merger of the halves is physically observable. My changing habits have raised my metabolism and trimmed down the massive wall I used to be. I am only become the slightest bit frail, but in that I see I am now also breakable.
I understand the value and danger of each side of the dynamic. I look forward to unifying them.
I describe my brick-ness as a bull. I suppose I could describe my fire – my drive, my charge – as a ram. It could make sense.
This is why I choice to support the metaphors and archetypes of astrology.
This is also where I mention that I am the very first day of Taurus. The first degree of it. Only forty-one minutes into the curve of the sign, which leaves me very much on the cusp. Of Aries.
I enjoy the metaphor here, because it helps me to communicate to the world exactly what burns inside of me; my drive, my struggle, my choices…
gryphon's hole 