OPA

Hello…
My name is Gryphon…. (Hey, Gryphon…)
(Long embarrassed pause.)
And I’m addicted to Otter Pops.

(Yeah, sure. They are actually Flavor-Ice Plus as per the label, but Otter Pops just sound more deviant. I like deviant.

Sure they were around in my life as a child, but I never noticed them that much. I was a bigger fan of the bigger popcicles. I hate to admit that. A size queen at such an early age.

Then it happened. During chemo, I was reintroduced to the opiate of the children. At that point, not much food had any real flavors to me, most of my taste buds being knocked out by the treatment. Then one day, Mom went with my to Costco. There it was on a corner display… The big huge jumbo sized Costco box. 200 count. Holy hell! And I just knew that those sickly sweet frozen concoctions would have enough zing to break through the flavor-blasting power of chemo. In the cart they went.

I thought they would never freeze fast enough! Dammit. I want one NOW! I need it. I cannot live without it.

I was hooked before I even had my first one.

They didn’t last very long. Of course, David didn’t get too many. He tried to point that out once, too. But really, who will take your side going against a chemo-infested cancer victim who lost his mustache and pubes? Really. I was shameless.

Somehow, I survive last summer without answering their siren call. I don’t know how.

Now, I am in the studio, trying desperately to not run up huge electric bills with the A/C. And then it hit me, I heard their call all the way from midtown, calling to me. “Lick us. Suck us. Swallow our juicy goodness.”

I was doomed. That was just last week, already the box is mostly gone. I am so ashamed! They lure you in with the promise of only 25 calories per pop, then fifteen minutes pass and I am devouring number 15.

Holy Crap, why is this stuff legal?

Soon, they will be gone, but so many more sit there in that warehouse dimension of hell, sit there waiting for me. Calling to me. How can I hope to withstand their tease?

Sadly, I have already devoured five Pops in the time of typing this post.

I know it seems maybe not so bad, but I only stopped there because the next batch is not yet fully frozen. Damn me and my poor attempt at portion control.

I try to be all smooth about it, discussing them like they are merely a food stuff and not crack. “Oh, Strawberry is my favorite. Yeah. The pink one. Oh, grape? No, that’s my least favorite.”

I try to pass that off on some lame excuse, but really, grape is my least favorite because of the color and the most obvious tongue stain, painting my scarlet letter purple for all to bear witness to my crimes…

Oh, I am so ashamed. I cannot do this alone.

Oh, wait. I think the next batch is solid now.

Nevermind.