A card showed up in the mail today. Not for me, for David… As I passed through the foyer, I saw it sitting atop the piano. Must be an Easter card from his parents… no, not quite. Shouldn’t have looked, but I did. Serves me right for peeking…
It would seem his parents sent him some money to help out wherever needed. Here’s a little passage…
“We know you have stretched yourself the past year to accomodate(sic) Gryphon and his illness and never got any return for your kindness and compassion. (At least, that’s how we see it.)”
My stomach twisted over. This is why I feel so compelled to be fully honest with the people that matter in my life. Fuck! Honest with as many people as possible. They don’t have the whole story. Of course they don’t. Their good, sweet little David would never be part of the problem…
Do they know that every single expense (except an additional $20 a month for a second car on his policy) David has had, he would have had without me being here? It is the cost of his life, not mine. I told him every step that I didn’t want to add expenses. But he got cable ‘for me’. I didn’t want it. He took forever to dump the movie channels when the price hiked. I bet he is still paying for the new DSL and his old dial-up account. Bet he never canceled it…
Do they know that currently he is financially stretched because he got a DUI in January? Being a good church-going boy, he is doing the proper thing and paying it off for a determent, so no one need ever know… unless he gets a second one…
Do they know that David has not had to buy the groceries pretty much since the day I moved in? I have always done so. At least I could contribute that way. Even flat broke through chemo, my mother shopped for food while she was here…
Do they know that most of his house got custom draperies and window treatments for NO COST? Again from my mom. She is a drapery-maker. We didn’t even have to pay for fabric…
Do they know I am leaving most of my furniture with his house because that is where it fits? That is why I bought the stuff. The list includes a t.v. cabinet, a side cabinet, a complete dining set, a queen bed and headboard, a side bench to go with it, laundry tables, storage shelves for the basement, shelves and rolling cart for the mud room/pantry and my older computer (since he helped me afford the new one)…
Do they know how poor he is at communicating with the person he supposedly wants the most in his life?
Do they know that I have HIV? I am not even sure of that… They know about cancer and chemo, of course.
Do they know how sloppy he was at first, wanting to not care about such things as long as he could remove barriers between us?
Do they know that I am the reason their only living son is still healthy? Do they know the stress of this division was one of the first rifts between us? That without good communication, we never stood a chance…
Do they know that no one in their family was as comfortable accepting me (including David) as my family was in accepting him? They were very generous with their holiday gifts. Too generous, really. A token would have been a nice thought. They like to flood. I am currently of an opinion that they flood with gifts because none of them know how to be available themselves…
Do they know how fuckin’ impossible their precious David is to live with as a partner? Do they know how perverted he is?
Of course they don’t. David is a good Episcopalian boy. He would never be so honest…
(I am so glad to be leaving…)
This experience has brought one thing to light in my head… I have to tell my father that I have HIV. He is the only one to not know in my immediate family. My mom and sisters and I discussed it at the start of my chemo. We decided that it would just add to his stress. It would and his health is not good. But I am now inclined to think that the knowledge may benefit him because it would make our relationship stronger. How could it not? Such honesty. That is love, having no secrets from my family. They even know what kind of art I create. Really. We have even grown to the point of not needed excessive, needless gifts at the holidays. The pressure to spend money I didn’t have became too much and they all understand. We now choose to just focus on my young nieces. This past holiday season was the most joyful for me ever as an adult.
Back to the subject. I am learning things about building a relationship. Maybe, if I am bright enough to remember until the next one, I may one day have the chance to learn how ‘to’ do it, instead of how ‘not to’… I hate learning how not to…
gryphon's hole 