I am finding subjects running through my head all day long at work, to vanish in my tiredness as soon as I arrive home. But this topic has been building for a noticeable amount of time, and I will follow the momentum set by <forgelives> and <poztatt>…
I am lost on the terms of today’s leather. I am lost to today’s world of leather. I have just finished reading the ‘letter to you’ from Forge’s post, and I fully relate, except to maybe the bitterness. I have a loneliness as a result to my path, that perhaps I do not ever expect to see pass.
That is okay.
I have had a unique addition to my leather mind, my ‘inner voice’. I have have cancer and chemotherapy and flown through it with ease. I have swept out of my treatment with a lingering sense of unification in all things.
I am fully integrated.
I still look to tweak and alter certain behaviors. Certain desires, whether encouraging or dismissing…
But this is my point.
I am neither. I am both.
And versatile is a sucky word!
It is the trend du jour.
*SIGH*
At one point in my life I realized, “This man does not exist. He will not come.” I made the decision to be that man for others to find. I do not think I was as successful as the author of the letter, but I made the change and effort.
Archetypically, I think I am an uncle, perhaps that is the difficulty. I know, have ALWAYS known, I am not to be a parent in this life. Daddy proves to be far too close to the same. They just wear me down. Take and take and take. I have a lot to give, but DAMMIT to fucking hell and back! I want want I need in return. Quid pro quo. Dammit.
I have been struggling to make this point this evening. Typing and deleting. Retyping. So I will made a bit of a detour. To that damned worn and tired topic…
Old and new guard. I am tired of it all. Let it go. This is my latest revelation on the subject…Neither one exists. No one is either. Let it go. You say old guard. I say not so much…
They are concepts. Concepts rarely exist off paper. DAMMIT, Mary. Let it go. Big surprise, I consider myself, mid-gard (a shout out to the Norse mythos there…) To point. New guard, at best, is the novice standing in the doorway, the kid peaking into the dark seedy world. Once he steps through, its gone.
Old guard is the stories, nothing more really. The stories that get told over and over, always evolving, like that twisted telephone game. Once they get applied to actual life, they are no longer old. Think Renaissance. Old with new.
The duality thing of society tires me greatly. Think paradox. One or the other. That is so limiting. So tiring. So unrewarding.
I am lost and wondering alone, like most others, but perhaps I understand THEM a bit better. Perhaps I will simply be waiting here when they are ready to arrive.
Perhaps I shall tell the arrivals to fuck themselves as I bolt my door.
I have not yet decided.
Apologies, I am tired. I cannot keep my point. To bed…
gryphon's hole 