I can barely breathe…
My heart is racing…

And I don’t know how to make it happen.

I have spent so much of the last two years just reacting, maybe even my entire life. I no longer feel I know how to make something happen. How to will it to be.

I don’t know how to start it.
I have wanted to all day. How do I tell someone I once cared for very deeply, that I no longer want to live with him? How do I explain that his life is drowning my own?

How do I start that conversation?
Dammit! The one day I want to make it happen and we actually get along! Dammit!

I am so lost here. He can’t see how much he drowns me, how much he strangles my life with his need. His need to be special, his need to be loved, his need to be the center of attention. He also can’t see how much he takes away my needs to do so.

He cannot share. Anything. With me.
I think he has a covetous heart. I think he will always secretly crave to have more than I can give. He will always need to have more than me.

That isn’t love.
I no longer even think it ever was…

As long as I live here, I know this…
My light diminishes. My brightness fades. My disease takes control of my body and lets loose.

Right now, as I type this, beautiful music flows up to me from his hands at the piano…And I don’t know how to tell him I need to go…

How can he not know?
How could we grow so far apart while living on top of each other. This was never a relationship. It was only ever his dream. What he coveted from me. No, not me, it could have been anyone. Anyone my size that would play the part he needed. The love of his life.

I want my life back and I cannot seem to fight to get it back. What the fuck is the matter with me?

Why can’t I see the path, I see it in every fucking other place I look. I feel like a fabled healer, blessed with the power to heal all wounds but his own.

Why am I so powerless to do this? Nothing that comes from it can be as bad as my life has become…

I have trapped myself within my clever round-a-bout structure of dealing, my neat little way around problems. I have taught myself how to react instinctively to protect myself, and landed square in a spot that has no conflict to react against. We just are, sharing space, barely.

I wanted to make this happen today. If not, I am back to second shift, it will be at last next weekend. I need to move on with my life. How could the future be worse than my present? Worse than my past?

Why can’t I make this happen?

This is filtered with no comments…
Read all you like, but don’t talk to me about…
Don’t mention it. Don’t offer advice.
I have had a lifetime of advice and am still unable to function.
Finally, I will need to do something by myself.
I need to stop leaning on others.

I need to learn how to breathe.