I am home.
Or at least back to the place I live…
I am overwhelmed with sadness now.
I feel torn in so many pieces right now.
So many places I could be, so many places I could go.
But none of them really offer any improvement.
Right now, it all feels like the same crap.
I miss my friends so much. In Phoenix and Cleveland.
I have a good handful here too that I would miss greatly
if I were to move.
But I still feel alone and isolated and sad.
I am still missing the one thing that I have always wanted.
I am not a fool. I currently don’t think it exists anywhere.
I want to be part of a community that supports me back
as much as I support it. I want people – other than a handful of friends –
that won’t be huge flakes whenever someone else depends on them.
A friend in Phoenix said it best this past week.
“You are anachronistic…” I know I am.
That knowledge does not make it easier to accept that I will never have
the one thing I want. I think perhaps this is at the core
to my feelings and draw to polyamory.
I no longer feel that this longing can be sated by a greater community,
but I have seen small instances where they are achieved in communal ‘families’.
Our communities are failing. This observation weighs heavy on my heart,
a heart that has proven how much it can carry.
I have already rescinded the plans for the whacked crazy year.
It was an impulse attempt to fix my life.
I am glad I made myself wait until after the trip to move forward with it.
I will not. The rules changed while I was gone, literally, and not for the better.
I was planning to quietly let it pass into oblivion,
but then thought better of it.
My life is the good and the bad. The weak moments and the strong.
I would be too dishonest to be myself if I hid my previous intentions.
It would have been a big thing for me.
It may not have meant anything to anyone else.
I began planning to run for Heart of America Leatherman.
It was established as a contest feeder for the American Brotherhood Weekend in DC every April.
Anyone here that doesn’t know what this is or means, please let it up yourself.
I am not in the spirit to teach right now.
It would have been grand. Then they felt they had to change the rules.
Rules that took me four years to even learn or understand.
They think this will fix the problems with the contest, but it won’t.
I am glad this happened. I have regained my own sense of self in the matter.
I have returned to my ongoing position with regards to me and leather titles.
I will wait until I have in my life – my personal life – the experience
of a title holder that consistently prove him or herself true to the word given.
I will not add my name to their ranks until I feel beyond all doubt
that I want to be forever associated with those that passed before me.
This had become important to me numerous times in my life.
If you need to ask why, I doubt I will have words to answer
other than to say in order to see if I can stand true.
The ultimate test of self. But now, I need more.
And I don’t see myself getting it from that path.
I think I will spend the year healing. I never really got to do that this past one.
Maybe some what physically, but the rest of me needs to heal as well, and my body still isn’t
all that fixed…It may never be.
One week into the new year, and already my plans have turned 180 degrees.
Such is life. I still stand to face it. The difference? I stand alone by choice,
until folks of worthy character take my side.
About the only solace I have is that I hold greater disappointment in others
than I do in myself…
gryphon's hole 