I have had a heavy heart all evening. It has been growing for far too long.
I have not kept much in my life secret, I don’t do that very well,
but this is my first ‘hidden’ post. Assuming I did it right, only a handful
of you are reading this.
I have made reference over the past couple days to the craziness of the next few months,
and the potential greatness of this coming year.
And…you still have to wait a week or two.
But, of course, before the good stuff springs up,
the manure must be handled and spread.
This is the shit and the fan…
I am about to commit myself to a path that will be full of life experience.
I have had two years of crap screwing up all the work I had done in my life previous to that.
And I have a pseudo-partner that seems ever un-able to go where I long to tread.
I realize I am down to the line. I have exactly two options and I know my choice.
I can continue with the status quo – nothing special, which leaves me feeling like crap –
or I can once again fill my life with a richness I have been striving to obtain for over six years…
Um, yeah…not a hard choice.
I am starting with the new year. I do this and everything will fall into line
so quickly my head will spin into 2007.
I am moving out, leaving my already failing relationship.
I can only assure five or six months of income to do it right now,
but that doesn’t matter. I must leave now, or everything waiting to happen will be gone in a flash.
The complication: I leave Sunday for my trip to Phoenix.
As much as folks will strive to paint me a bastard for this,
I can’t drop the bomb then leave for a week. That’s plain cruel.
I can’t stand it. I dread it. This growing vomit-taste in my mouth.
I understand so much about me now. I gained so much clarity during chemo
and David was so busy being dramatic that he didn’t grow with me.
In fact, I am pretty sure that we have been growing in our own directions
oblivious to each other ever since we moved into the same house.
It is epic in its sadness, but it is going away.
I am resolved with my decision. I am content with my decision.
I just wish I didn’t feel like puking…
gryphon's hole 