and another dream

This dream was very much in the real world and pretty straight up what’s happening in my life. No dancing hippos in tutu’s delivering the message of hope…

So, I am in the bar participating in a sucky-ass karaoke night. (Shut up! karaoke is NOT automatically sucky-ass!) And the lead I worked with at the publishing plant I where I just reapplied came to see me there to let me know the good news. (This is actually kinda weird cause she didn’t call and lives over a half hour away and she isn’t a drinker, and I think she doesn’t much care for bars.) She told me that we would be working together (and that we would be sharing our own secretary – which so has NOTHING to do with the job opening.) and I would be getting a call the next day. She was so excited to be working together again…

…and I wasn’t.

I mean, I actually left my body to see the incredible look of disappointment on my own face when she told me. (How fucked up is that?) She noticed, obviously, and I tried to explain the reaction. How, even though I would enjoy working there, every fiber of my being wanted to get the OTHER job offer still floating around out there. The one right around the corner, not 30 minutes away. The one with actual design work, not just setting crappy photos into template boxes.

I woke up with a start to nothing in particular and brought with me the oddest feeling…

Would I really be so disappointed to get that job? After not working for four months. (Not working for most of the past two years, actually, thanks to the chemo…) And this is the tattoo your face and we wouldn’t mind company! This is the employee owned company with the kick-ass ESOP after five years. This is the job that would be easier on my post-chemo body that the work I used to do.

I have this lingering disappointment with my dream-self, for being so rude and ungrateful…This is likely the only part of the dream I need to analyze. Could I really be this desperate for work, been through the events of the past two years, and still not learned modesty or gratitude? That’s just kinda fucked up.