I cannot stand it!

So, here’s the thing…

I’m standing in the canned goods aisle
staring into my oh so sensible coupon folder,
rummaging for that scrap
that will save me 25 cents.

And I want to cry.

I cannot stand it.

How can someone so talented,
someone so full of love,
someone so blessed in life,
be so fucking miserable.

I cannot stand it.

I have assembled $4,000 flower arrangements…
I have helped create $150,000 wedding receptions…
I can design a logo and letterhead
better than most without even thinking…

And I find myself applying at Costco and Jo-Ann’s –
Jo-Ann’s Fucking Crafts & Fabrics – trying to convince myself
that I will be thankful for the 8 bucks an hour.

I cannot stand it.

I think I understand the problem.
I cannot separate here from there.
I don’t enjoy my life, if I don’t enjoy work.
I am thoroughly the package deal.
I am either happy – or not.

I think my parents may have been so wrapped up
in creating their brilliant prodigy
that they left out the basics,
like how to get by when nobody needs you.
How to be content with nothing but bills.

So, I understand the problem,
but then I always understand the problem,
from my early memories, I knew what was wrong.
But observation and analysis only go so far
without problem solving skills to follow.

I have – for a long time in my life –
notice how easily I get forgotten.
I never understood, come on…
a 6’5 loud-mouth opinionated cocksucker.
Fuck, but sure enough, my phone sits silent.

Colorful, animated, borderline fucking obnoxious
and no follow ups, no offers, no hires, no life.
Shit I have been drawing dick for six years now
and am blessed with a customer that adores me to the core.
But fuck man, really? For all the rave reviews and requests…
one customer?

I cannot stand it.

But I do understand.
It has nothing to do with being noticed.
They see me, they remember me. They know who I am.
I realize the sad truth of it all.
I am just not needed.

Bottom line? Brilliance does not matter
without a backer to take a risk.
And in this economy, nobody ‘with’ takes a risk.
So that coupon book and me will remain best buds.
Because I am not needed in any ways that pay.

*mental note* thank the creator of tater tots
for making them cook faster than I can type…
cause I feel better all ready.

I cannot stand it.